bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
