Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
