I faked an abortion last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize