I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
