i was born a porn star she said
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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