I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
