He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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