Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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