I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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