You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
