He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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