I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
