Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
