Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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