Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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