On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
