we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
