I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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