U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
