So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
