I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
