im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i need to put some appletini on your dick
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
