Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
