I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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