I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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