Jerry, you need to find god
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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