sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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