My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
