Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
