The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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