"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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