The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
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If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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