I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
