3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You're my little dorito
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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