they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
