I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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