He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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