Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Randomize
