White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
