I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
