Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
