My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
