I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
