Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
