I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
