when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
