Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
