You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
should my penis look like a turkey
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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