Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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