Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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