stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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