I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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