If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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