Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
