Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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