I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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